Peanut Butter Surprise
by Joker'sOnlyFear
Summary: Explains how Harley Quinn comes to know about J.Crane/Joker's intimate relationship, as stated in "The Holiday Spirit." J.Crane/Joker slash.


_I have a confession to make: I was craving peanut butter when I wrote this._

**Author's Note: This is meant to be funny and extremely stupid. If you are using the stories on this website to formulate opinions about Jonathan Crane (Scarecrow) and/or the Joker, please - I beg of you - DO NOT READ THIS!**

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Harley Quinn lurked silently outside the small kitchen located in the basement of the abandoned building where the most prominent members of the Batman's Rogues Gallery met to plan their latest crime sprees. Finding the fact that the Joker and Jonathan Crane were always the first ones present at the meetings to be extremely suspicious, Harley had arrived for today's meeting extra early, hoping to quell the curiosity burning in her mind. She had heard noises coming from the kitchen, and had decided to investigate.

Heart racing, her gut clenched with apprehension, Harley peered through the small window in the kitchen door, desperate not to be seen.

She was shocked at what she saw.

- - -

Satisfied with the amount of filling spread between the two slices of bread, the Joker took a large bite out of the sandwich Jonathan had made him, globs of peanut butter oozing out of the sides and rear of the concoction.

"See? I _told_ you I wouldn't poison it." Crane smiled teasingly.

The Joker swallowed hard, tongue flickering out to remove the flecks of peanut butter clinging to his scarred and painted lips. "Sticky," he mused approvingly; he then shoved the rest of the sandwich into his mouth, devouring it in a single gulp. "And soft," he added, reaching out with a gloved hand and stroking Jonathan's brown hair for comparison.

Then Crane became aware of the song playing on the radio that was on a chair in the corner of the room. His smile broadening, he walked over to the device, and cranked the volume up several notches.

Turning back to his lover, Jonathan sashayed towards the Joker while placing his hands on his waist and gyrating his hips sensually to the beat. He leaned up against the clown so that he gently pushed the base of the Joker's spine into the counter, and brushed their hips together invitingly. The contact excited them both.

Jonathan purred lustily in the Joker's ear, letting Scarecrow's gravelly tones color his voice as he sang along softly to the disco tune. "_I'm_. . .too sexy for my shirt. . .too sexy for my shirt. . ."

He then grabbed the butter knife he had used when fixing the sandwich from its ramrod-straight pose in the jar of peanut butter, and licked the delicious spread from the knife, making exaggerated slurping sounds. Once the blade was clean, he wrapped his lips around the cool, tangy metal, and began to suck on it gently.

Joker sucked air in through his teeth with a sharp hiss; he knew Jonathan found this just as erotic as he did from the light sheen of sweat coating Crane's skin and from his tight and confining their clothes had seemed to become, particularly around the fronts of their trousers.

Jonathan smirked lovingly and drew the blade from his mouth with a slight popping sound.

Taking control of their intimate activities - as he usually did - the Joker rapidly switched their positions so that now it was _Jonathan _who was pressed back up against the counter. Joker took the butter knife from the doctor and then removed Crane's glasses, setting both items down on the counter just out of Jonathan's reach. He streaked peanut butter across Crane's lips and cheeks, and licked greedily - though now his hunger wasn't for food. Jonathan moaned, his body thrilled by the gestures of love and lust made to him by the Joker.

Then they were stripped to the waist. . .then Joker was lying on top of Jonathan on the floor. . .

- - -

Harley Quinn turned away, disgusted and horrified.

She wouldn't tell anyone about this.

She couldn't.

She was too repulsed.

She then thought of the threats of death and/or dismemberment that she knew the two would make if they found out what she knew about them, her mind conjuring up _very_ graphic images of classic torture, and shivered convulsively.

Yes, she would _definitely_ just keep this a secret.

END

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_Even though this is _supposed_ to be stupid, I'm still not confident that it is actually any good - so please review! You guys are what give me the confidence to keep writing!_


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